Have you ever said those words to a partner or to yourself? It's an important statement to make because its often the first step towards truly realising that ill treatment you have experienced is not a reflection of your value. But that is all it is: a first step. This week a woman spoke up in one of my domestic violence recovery workshops and said she was coming to terms with the break-up of her latest relationship. It hadnt been as bad as previous relationships, she said. There had been no physical violence. But she had found herself emotionally carrying this man. Over time the burden had become heavier and heavier. And then, her face contorting with the difficulty of actually speaking the words, she added tremulously: It sounds awful to say it, I know, but I deserve better. Then she stopped expectantly, almost as if she was waiting for the sky to fall down on her, or the other women to hiss or throw their paper coffee cups at her. Needless to say, it didnt happen. They were probably thinking about how she had had to screw up her courage to speak those words. At that point a connection that has been a long time coming clicked into place in my brain and I asked her if she would allow me to challenge her on that statement. She nodded bravely, but apprehensively. Had she been staking too high a claim to lifes riches? I said: I dispute the fact that you deserve better, Liz. You deserve the best. The atmosphere in the room became electric. Nobody deserves better. As unique, precious human beings who have made do with crumbs, while generously nurturing the other people in their life every abused woman deserves the best. Actually, I believe that every human being is deserving of the best that life has to offer; love, care, respect, consideration, far more than material goods. The key is to understand that this abundance can be freely available to all. Owning your own share does not reduce the amount that is available to all. It doesnt mean depriving other people. Your abundance only increases the available store. Deprivation occurs when you encounter those people who have, or believe they have, nothing to give; people who believe their best hope of attaining comfort is to cut off your source of supply and drain whatever resources you have. Hence the question arises: Better than what? Better than the worst relationship youve had? Better than nothing? Better than the proverbial burnt stick in the eye'? How much better is better? How much better do you deserve things to be? 10%? 20%? 50%? And how soon can you claim the better life that you deserve? Now? Or does it have to be a long, slow, wearisome process? Is it yours for life, or can it be taken away from you again? Liz sat blinking like an owl in strong light as she processed these ideas. What clinched it for her was realising that her deserving the best deprived nobody. Rather, since it meant that she would no longer be running on empty, she could share the generosity of her spirit even more constructively than she had in the past. (Not least because, from now on, she will steer clear of those people who would rather drain her resources than uncover the wellspring of their own.) When Liz said: I deserve the best, she made no apologies for the statement she made. It sat well with her. Because there is something far more compelling about speaking words out loud than just thinking them, I asked the other women to join in also. A chorus of I deserve the best filled the room. That group of women who generally apologise for their existence had no problem declaring that they deserve the best. Focusing on a modest improvement in their circumstances kept these women thinking small. It kept them focusing on doing just a little bit better than what they were used to doing. Raising the bar unconditionally transported them into a different place; the place where their dreams, beliefs and values still grow. In that place they knew and felt that they deserve the best. What about you? You deserve the best, dont you? So why not just say it out loud to yourself a few times a day? It makes a great mantra. And youll never know how much more at peace with yourself youll feel until you give it a try. (C) 2006 Annie Kaszina |
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