Criticism is hard to take. When faced with criticism unawares, our first reactionusually--is getting defensive. Next may be denial, thinking we are not guilty of what we are criticized about. Then the feelings of anger at our critic and a counterattack may follow. Worse yet, we may withdraw and become despondent.

No matter what our internal or external reaction to criticism may be initially, it is important to understand our critics intention, so his words do not hurt us or make us react in a destructive way. Intention is the most important clue behind anyones behavior. Once the intention or the motive behind any action is understood, an appropriate response is easier to come up with.

Some of the motives of a person who criticizes may be negative. After all, we are all human beings and most of us do carry emotional baggage around. Then, we look for a convenient place to unload, even if momentarily and at someone elses expense. Lets take a look at the negative motives first.

Negative Motives are:

* To induce guilt inside the criticized person: The goal here is to manipulate a person to do one thing or another by using his guilt feelings.

* To get even: A person thinks we, knowingly or unknowingly, hurt him, and he attacks through criticism to hurt us back. In other words, he is in the punishment business.

* To be in control: The criticizing person wants to dominate or enhance his power over us. He doesnt stop to listen to our statement. He cuts our explanation in half and continues criticizing our actions, ideas, or whatever it is he is criticizing.

* To put us in a lower stature and show usand to himself as wellthat he is the boss: In this case, the critic acts this way from feelings of incompetence or lack of experience, especially if he is in a new managerial position, to cover up for whatever he thinks is lacking in him.

* To put down whats good in us, so what he has looks better: This may hurt us the most because we may not be aware of his offhand remarks or being criticized because the criticism here is constant and is given in tiny bites. In time, this type of criticism dampens our self-esteem and self-confidence and we end up having to deal with diminished enthusiasm and personal power.

* To change us: This person is never content with what there is unless he changes it in some way. Even if we are content with who we are, he wants to change us anyway without a good reason. Most of the time, this changer type starts in small ways just like a put-downer, but the changers behavior stems from trying to organize something internal and needing change inside himself rather than the person his criticism is directed at.

* To evade an issue by getting us off track: This type of a person criticizes in order to cover up for something or to divert attention from a negative inquiry about himself. This type of behavior is called a politicians technique. When a politician attacks the press for its ills, for example, the press will be put in a defensive position and the attention on the politicians shortcomings will be diverted.

* To undermine our success if we are in a better position than him: This type of criticism comes suddenly, jokingly, and in a low dose, so it isnt noticeable. It is aimed at lowering the rate of success in another person.

* To get a laugh: Some people like to be the clown of the group, and therefore, to maintain the attention on themselves. They throw tiny criticisms around since imperfections are easy to find in anyone. Usually this behavior is for releasing aggression as well as for getting a laugh.

* To vent feelings: This type of criticism comes in outbursts from a person who is letting off steam after a tiring experience or being under great pressure. He doesnt necessarily mean bad and understanding his frustrations would help in dealing with his criticisms.

Positive Motives: It is more important to recognize positive motives than to understand negative ones, because positive motives help us grow. When criticism with a positive motive is cast our way, first thing we may notice is the gentle delivery of it. Granted, not everyone is well-versed in gentle delivery, but we have to look to see if the criticism is inviting us to improve in some way.

Positive motives are:

* To improve our performance: Without a good feedback, none of us would be able to learn anything. Whether our work or our actions are reviewed when we see the good pointers inside the criticism, we know that this critic is trying to improve our performance.

* To show his feelings, if we have, intentionally or unintentionally, done something to hurt him: Especially in close personal relationships, to tell of ones feelings is better than to hide them inside. Your behavior or your words frustrate me, may sound like a negative criticism especially during an argument, but it is in fact a very positive statement, more helpful to the relationship than holding the frustration inside. We must recognize that the other person is letting us know how our behavior affects them.

* To perk up a relationship: When someone outside of a relationship tells gently and without accusations that what we are doing is hurting the relationship, we must listen to what he is saying. He is trying to improve our relationships.

* To show empathy and compassion: To solve our problems a person may offer help by pointing out what we are doing wrong. This type of criticism may be misunderstood as a negative intent by someone who is trying to control us. We need to look carefully at the delivery and the kindness of the criticism to distinguish if the intent is positive or negative.

* To guard self-interest: The critic here is not trying to belittle us but is trying to assert his rights, especially if we are taking advantage of him. We know this because his words are not hurtful and accusatory. For example: I have already done most of the yard work. Please help me. You might tape your show and watch later.

The intent behind a criticism may not be what we may first feel it is. We might mistakenly take a positive intent for a negative one or vice versa. In either case, it is necessary to evaluate the delivery of the criticism and try to see beyond what the criticism may appear to be, so we may enjoy improved personal growth and relationships and enhanced performance.