Q: "I am writing to ask you to please devote a future column to trust, or more specifically, how to trust again in a new relationship." A: Trust can be complex, because so many elements go into having trust in a person. In an attempt to simplify the issue, I've broken it down into five components, one for each letter of the word trust. inTegrity - A dictionary defines integrity as uprightness of character. Sounds nice, but what does that really mean? People have integrity when their behavior matches their words. They do what they say they are going to do. If, over time, their behavior consistently does not match their words, watch out. Responsibility - People mess up and make mistakes. That's just part of everyday life. The people who can be trusted take responsibility for their mistakes. They don't blame others or make excuses. When they mess up, they admit it and do what is necessary to fix it, if at all possible. Understanding - Another sign of trustworthiness is the ability to understand another person. You may not always agree with the other person, especially in a close relationship such as marriage. You may not always see things the exact same way. However, in order for trust to grow, you need to be able to see the world through another's eyes. Security - We tend to trust the people with whom we feel secure. In this context, secure means safe. We feel we can be ourselves around someone and say what we really think and feel. Time - Time is crucial when it comes to building trust All of the above components - integrity, responsibility, understanding and security - are developed and demonstrated over time. It takes time to develop trust in someone, especially for people who have been hurt before. |
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