The starry eyed bride and puffed up with pride groom believe their marriage was made in heaven and trust it will work.

The client couple sit in front of the marriage counsellor and say; This just isnt working." or "I'm not IN love anymore."

Marriages dont work but couples can work to make the style of marriage they desire. They can rekindle that IN love feeling.

Genuine relationships are based on agreements the couple make with each other. Not only do they make deals, they work to hold up their part of the responsibilities they assume. If one agrees to do the laundry and the other to handle the garbage, they accept the job and do it without having to be asked, nagged or reminded. In a well functioning marriage each partner takes their roles and responsibilities seriously.

They do not:

1. see their partner as a parent.

2. treat their partner disrespectfully.

3. shrink from the practical jobs of running their home.

4. blame their partner for their unhappiness.

5. run home to mom or others and complain about their spouse.

They do:

1. act like a responsible adult.

2. speak politely with no swearing and name calling.

3. accept it was their choice in partner.

4. make time and have energy for sexual activities.

5. laugh and play together.

So often when responsibility walks in the door, romance flies out the window. Romance and responsibility are opposites and every marriage needs both.

One way to work at marriage is to discuss problems with your spouse and not with someone who has no power or ability to solve the problem. Too often people turn to a family member, a friend or start a new relationship instead of clearly identifying the problem and working it through with their partner. Problems can be solved. It takes two willing partners who are committed to being married to each other. Sometimes it take professional help.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed., is a registered marriage and family therapist and a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Marilyn consults to families in business on relationship issues. She is the author of books on personal growth through travel. Questing Marilyn: In Search of My Holy Grail, Quest Publishing Canada takes the reader through sacred and historic sites in England and Ireland and involves the search for the authentic adult Self. It explores: ?Who am I when I am free to be my Self?? Questing France: Deepening the Search for My Holy Grail follows the process of holding onto the Self when in a marriage relationship. It explores flirtations, infidelity, qualities of a functional marriage as well as parenting children through marital conflict. Questing France explores: ?Can I be me when I am with you?? and "Why do people stay in a marriage after an affair?" Marilyn has a private practice in Burlington, Ontatio.